Book Description
Do you have an adult child living with you (or elsewhere) whose life has you tied up in knots? Are their self-destructive choices, addictions and/or life-style breaking your heart and causing you (and perhaps other family members) pain and anguish? If so, help is on the way! Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children – Six Steps to Hope & Healing for Struggling Parents is Allison's next book releasing in February 2008 (Harvest House). Already being hailed as a landmark non-fiction project, Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children will help bring S.A.N.I.T.Y. back to your life!
About The Author:
When Allison Bottke's life changed, it wasn't merely another bend in the journey. It was a brake-locking, tire-screaming U-turn in the middle of a fast moving highway in order to head in a completely opposite direction. Affectionately known as the "God Allows U-Turns Poster Girl," Allison's story is one of triumph over tragedy. A frequent guest on radio and TV programs around the country, the 700 Club featured her life story in what has become one of their highest rated programs ever, and she has appeared on the covers of such national magazines as Writer's Digest, BOND, Obesity Health (OH), The Christian Communicator and Christian Women Online (CWO).
As the Founder, Allison heads up God Allows U-Turns, an international outreach that includes books, tracts, logo merchandise, a line of greeting cards, a speaking ministry, and a foundation. The cornerstone of God Allows U-Turns is an inspirational book series many are calling "the next Chicken Soup." The God Allows U-Turns book series is available around the world with over a dozen books in the U-Turns "brand" currently available for adults, kids and youth. Allison's first novel in the "hip-lit" genre, "A Stitch in Time" premiered in 2006, as well as a new non-fiction book, "I Can't Do It All," based on the lies women believe being co-written with Tracie Peterson and Dianne O'Brian. Her second novel, One Little Secret, was released in August 2007. With her move to fiction, Allison has defined the genre of "Contemporary women's fiction-with-an-attitude!" Her next non-fiction book, "Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children," released February 2008. Allison speaks and teaches at conferences and writer's events around the country, often attending as an Acquisitions Editor for books in the God Allows U-Turns true short story compilation book series.
The book comes out of your own personal experience with your son. Please tell us about that.
For years I really thought I was helping my son. I wanted him to have the things I never had growing up. I love my son, and I didn’t want him to hurt—but sometimes pain is a natural result of the choices we make. For a long time I didn’t understand the part I was playing in the ongoing drama that had become my son’s life—I didn’t understand that I didn’t have to live in constant chaos and crisis because of his choices. When I chose to stop the insanity and start living a life of hope and healing my life changed. It’s a feeling I want other struggling parents and grandparents to experience. I want other parents to know that change is possible when we choose to stop the destructive cycle of enabling. And we can stop it. I know, because I’ve done it.
About the Author:
Do you have an adult child living with you (or elsewhere) whose life has you tied up in knots? Are their self-destructive choices, addictions and/or life-style breaking your heart and causing you (and perhaps other family members) pain and anguish? If so, help is on the way! Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children – Six Steps to Hope & Healing for Struggling Parents is Allison's next book releasing in February 2008 (Harvest House). Already being hailed as a landmark non-fiction project, Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children will help bring S.A.N.I.T.Y. back to your life!
About The Author:
When Allison Bottke's life changed, it wasn't merely another bend in the journey. It was a brake-locking, tire-screaming U-turn in the middle of a fast moving highway in order to head in a completely opposite direction. Affectionately known as the "God Allows U-Turns Poster Girl," Allison's story is one of triumph over tragedy. A frequent guest on radio and TV programs around the country, the 700 Club featured her life story in what has become one of their highest rated programs ever, and she has appeared on the covers of such national magazines as Writer's Digest, BOND, Obesity Health (OH), The Christian Communicator and Christian Women Online (CWO).
As the Founder, Allison heads up God Allows U-Turns, an international outreach that includes books, tracts, logo merchandise, a line of greeting cards, a speaking ministry, and a foundation. The cornerstone of God Allows U-Turns is an inspirational book series many are calling "the next Chicken Soup." The God Allows U-Turns book series is available around the world with over a dozen books in the U-Turns "brand" currently available for adults, kids and youth. Allison's first novel in the "hip-lit" genre, "A Stitch in Time" premiered in 2006, as well as a new non-fiction book, "I Can't Do It All," based on the lies women believe being co-written with Tracie Peterson and Dianne O'Brian. Her second novel, One Little Secret, was released in August 2007. With her move to fiction, Allison has defined the genre of "Contemporary women's fiction-with-an-attitude!" Her next non-fiction book, "Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children," released February 2008. Allison speaks and teaches at conferences and writer's events around the country, often attending as an Acquisitions Editor for books in the God Allows U-Turns true short story compilation book series.
The book comes out of your own personal experience with your son. Please tell us about that.
For years I really thought I was helping my son. I wanted him to have the things I never had growing up. I love my son, and I didn’t want him to hurt—but sometimes pain is a natural result of the choices we make. For a long time I didn’t understand the part I was playing in the ongoing drama that had become my son’s life—I didn’t understand that I didn’t have to live in constant chaos and crisis because of his choices. When I chose to stop the insanity and start living a life of hope and healing my life changed. It’s a feeling I want other struggling parents and grandparents to experience. I want other parents to know that change is possible when we choose to stop the destructive cycle of enabling. And we can stop it. I know, because I’ve done it.
About the Author:
What are some of the most common ways that parents enable their children?
Being the Bank of Mom and Dad, or the Bank of Grandma and Grandpa. Loaning money that is never repaid, buying things they can’t afford and don’t really need. Continually coming to their rescue so they don’t feel the pain—the consequences—of their actions and choices. Accepting excuses that we know are excuses—and in some instances are downright lies. Blaming ourselves for their problems. We have given too much and expected too little.
You say there are two separate yet intrinsically combined things going on when we look at the pathology of enabling our adult children, what are those two things?
#1. We have the issue of the dysfunctional child himself—the product of our enabling. Most often, we are dealing with adult children who have no concept of healthy boundaries as they pertain to their parents and grandparents. Many are dealing with addictions to alcohol, drugs, sex, pornography, gambling, and more. Some of these children are involved in illegal activity, while others have been in and out of jail numerous times. Some are abusive to us. Some have jobs while others do not, most have extreme financial challenges. Others are still living at home, and some have even moved their spouse or “significant other” into their parents’ home with them. Many have been in and out of treatment centers, most often at the urging (and cost) of their parents. While we cannot change the behavior of our adult children, we can change how we respond to their actions and to their choices. We can, and must, begin to establish healthy boundaries and rules.
#2. Then, we have the issue of our own personal health and growth (or lack thereof.) For many of us, we have spent years taking care of, bailing out, coming to the rescue, making excuses for, crying over, praying for, and otherwise focusing an unhealthy amount of time and attention on this adult child, that we have neglected our own mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical health. Many of us have neglected other family members as well, as the adult child has taken so much of our energy. Some of us are now experiencing severe financial ramifications from having enabled our adult child. Others are finding their marriage falling apart as tempers flair and situations spiral out of control. What is it inside us that makes us respond in such a way—that makes us enable our adult children?
Why are you so passionate about reaching out to other parents?
Because I’ve been there—I still am in many ways. I’m a parent who has traveled this painful road of enabling. I understand what it feels like to have your heart break because of a choice our adult child has made.
From the opening pages, you are very candid in your own struggles to set boundaries with your adult son, in a section titled “Why I Had to Write This Book.” Why did you feel the need to be so open so quickly?
There are many good books available on boundaries. Most of them are written from the perspective of a psychologist, therapist, counselor, or theologian. Never in my years of searching for help did I find a book on boundaries written by a parent in pain who had walked in my shoes. I wanted readers to quickly understand that this book was different.
You say that enabling our children is “a nationwide epidemic with catastrophic consequences.” What has led you to believe this?
There is clearly an epidemic of major proportion plaguing our nation today. This has become obvious to me as I travel the country sharing my God Allows U-Turns testimony and outreach. Seldom does a week go by when I am not approached by someone in deep pain concerning their adult child. It’s not just audience members in conflict with this troubling issue, but fellow authors, speakers and entertainers, some quite well known, who are living in the throes of familial discord concerning out-of-control adult children. It’s happening all over the country to people from all walks of life.
I encourage your readers to tell me what they think about Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children. I really do want to hear reader feedback. They can reach me at: SettingBoundaries@SanitySupport.com. Please be sure to visit our web site at http://www.sanitysupport.com/blogtourguests.htm where they will find additional resources for helping them on their road to S.A.N.I.T.Y. Remember to tell a friend in need and help save a life!
Being the Bank of Mom and Dad, or the Bank of Grandma and Grandpa. Loaning money that is never repaid, buying things they can’t afford and don’t really need. Continually coming to their rescue so they don’t feel the pain—the consequences—of their actions and choices. Accepting excuses that we know are excuses—and in some instances are downright lies. Blaming ourselves for their problems. We have given too much and expected too little.
You say there are two separate yet intrinsically combined things going on when we look at the pathology of enabling our adult children, what are those two things?
#1. We have the issue of the dysfunctional child himself—the product of our enabling. Most often, we are dealing with adult children who have no concept of healthy boundaries as they pertain to their parents and grandparents. Many are dealing with addictions to alcohol, drugs, sex, pornography, gambling, and more. Some of these children are involved in illegal activity, while others have been in and out of jail numerous times. Some are abusive to us. Some have jobs while others do not, most have extreme financial challenges. Others are still living at home, and some have even moved their spouse or “significant other” into their parents’ home with them. Many have been in and out of treatment centers, most often at the urging (and cost) of their parents. While we cannot change the behavior of our adult children, we can change how we respond to their actions and to their choices. We can, and must, begin to establish healthy boundaries and rules.
#2. Then, we have the issue of our own personal health and growth (or lack thereof.) For many of us, we have spent years taking care of, bailing out, coming to the rescue, making excuses for, crying over, praying for, and otherwise focusing an unhealthy amount of time and attention on this adult child, that we have neglected our own mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical health. Many of us have neglected other family members as well, as the adult child has taken so much of our energy. Some of us are now experiencing severe financial ramifications from having enabled our adult child. Others are finding their marriage falling apart as tempers flair and situations spiral out of control. What is it inside us that makes us respond in such a way—that makes us enable our adult children?
Why are you so passionate about reaching out to other parents?
Because I’ve been there—I still am in many ways. I’m a parent who has traveled this painful road of enabling. I understand what it feels like to have your heart break because of a choice our adult child has made.
From the opening pages, you are very candid in your own struggles to set boundaries with your adult son, in a section titled “Why I Had to Write This Book.” Why did you feel the need to be so open so quickly?
There are many good books available on boundaries. Most of them are written from the perspective of a psychologist, therapist, counselor, or theologian. Never in my years of searching for help did I find a book on boundaries written by a parent in pain who had walked in my shoes. I wanted readers to quickly understand that this book was different.
You say that enabling our children is “a nationwide epidemic with catastrophic consequences.” What has led you to believe this?
There is clearly an epidemic of major proportion plaguing our nation today. This has become obvious to me as I travel the country sharing my God Allows U-Turns testimony and outreach. Seldom does a week go by when I am not approached by someone in deep pain concerning their adult child. It’s not just audience members in conflict with this troubling issue, but fellow authors, speakers and entertainers, some quite well known, who are living in the throes of familial discord concerning out-of-control adult children. It’s happening all over the country to people from all walks of life.
I encourage your readers to tell me what they think about Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children. I really do want to hear reader feedback. They can reach me at: SettingBoundaries@SanitySupport.com. Please be sure to visit our web site at http://www.sanitysupport.com/blogtourguests.htm where they will find additional resources for helping them on their road to S.A.N.I.T.Y. Remember to tell a friend in need and help save a life!
To purchase a copy of Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children, click here.
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